


I'll be my own downfall

by AkaiBaraPark



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Betrayal, Character Death, Death, Depression, Knifeplay, M/M, Other, Revenge, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:15:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29523495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkaiBaraPark/pseuds/AkaiBaraPark
Summary: Betrayal sure tasted sour.Rancid.Putrid.It smelled like iron.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Seo Changbin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	I'll be my own downfall

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WhereverMyWay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhereverMyWay/gifts).



> Been working on this for a while. It's for my friend Yuki and I hope he'll like it. Same goes for the people who MIGHT read it. 
> 
> Disclaimer  
> It's a work of fiction.   
> The guys are characters that I use in it.   
> Don't get pressed.

The days had always been grey for him.   
At least, he thought they always had been, the sun itself as cold as ice, so cold his heart was ruined by frostbite. 

He sat in the dark on his bed.   
When was the last time he left it?  
He didn't know, he lost track of time a while ago.   
Was it monday? Maybe Wednesday?   
He didn't care anyway. 

He sighed and finally got up, his stomach growling.   
Maybe he would do something productive today.   
Maybe he would finally go back on his computer and upload something on his youtube channel.   
He should, right?  
After all, he was a youtuber. His income was mediocre but as long as he could pay his rent it was fine.   
He didn't need his meds. 

He stumbled in the kitchen and grabbed some stale bread on the kitchen counter before throwing his shirt over his head to go to the bathroom and take a shower. 

The first shower in a week probably.   
But it soothed his mind.   
He felt so numb all the time.   
But once he got out from under the hot water, he felt a little bit refreshed. 

He finally sat at his computer, switched it on. He winced because of how bright the screen was, and went on discord to find people to play with. 

His discord server was still going strong even after him being away for more than a month.   
It caused an explosion of messages when he typed. 

SpearB :  
~Anyone on for a game?~ 

He heard a notification from another server he was a part of. A streamer server.   
He knew the group on it, they said they were his friends. And because he had no one, he clinged to this idea. 

CB97 :  
~Hey SpearB! We're playing Overwatch. Wanna join? ;)~

SpearB :   
~Count me in.~ 

A smirk pulled at his chapped lips. He fixed his set up quickly, catching his reflection in his second computer monitor.   
He blanked out for a second and swallowed before switching the monitor on to make his face disappear in the blue light. 

He joined the stream and switched on his mic and live chat.

Flooded right away with some of his "fans" greeting him back. Saying they clicked on the notification when it came up. Saying they missed him. 

"Well guys. I missed you a bunch too. Sorry for my long hiatus. I know i didn't warn you but I had to stop for a while. Nothing bad don't worry."   
He said to the chat waiting to join the next game. He read more of the chat.   
A lot were asking how his cat, Mr.Pumpkin, was. Some were asking for something he hated. 

"Guys please, I already told you I won't show my face for now."  
He said irritated.   
His cat jumped on his lap before stepping on the desk to sit near the mic and purr into it.   
SpearB, or Changbin, smiled and scratched behind the orange cat's ear. 

"Mr.Pumpkin said he missed you too."   
He said in a whisper before a voice addressed him.   
Damn, how he missed this voice in the past month. 

"Hey SpearB! You're finally out of hiding?"   
Said the voice in his headphones.   
Australian accent, a smile in his tone. 

"Hm. Sorry if I worried all of you guys"  
Changbin confessed. 

"No worries man. It's cool."  
Said a nasally voice. 

This group of people was named the Strays.   
A group of streamers, some living in the same house.   
CB97 was the creator of this group. Started it from scratch.   
The man then started playing more and more games and made a name for himself, he was then joined by LeeKnow, then came J.One. and the rest is history.   
The "House of Strays" got created. The three of them are living together and brought more people with them, like DandyMin, Innie~ and finally Hyunnie. 

Changbin had been one of the last to join the Stray group. Though he didn't live with them.   
Come to think of it, only two Strays lived away.   
Him and Sunshine. 

He couldn't remember how he got here.   
But one day Sunshine reached out to CB97 and from there he was added to the family.   
It felt weird.   
Still does to this day.   
He had "friends". 

He finally joined the next game and a deep voice made him run on the left side of the map.

"Yo Sunshine"  
He said softly, making his "friend" gasp. He laughed at the way his avatar started to jump around. 

"Bro! Where were you all this time? It's been like...A month!" 

Changbin winced again and hummed as if he was thinking. 

Lie. 

"I had to move. The place I was living in was too big for me alone."   
Wrong.

"Oh? Where did you move?"   
Asked Sunshine, waiting for the game to fully start. 

"I'm still in Louisiana. I just moved to another city." 

Fucking liar. 

He didn't remember getting an answer after that. 

They played for hours, Changbin slipping in his persona easily.   
It was nice to feel like someone else. It was nice not to be plagued by self doubts and anxiety. 

"Thank you all so much for playing! We hope to see you soon again. Don't leave us hanging SpearB!"   
Said CB97 in a laugh. 

Changbin knew he didn't mean bad.   
But fuck it hurt. 

"No promises there. I do have a rope ready."   
He laughed it off. No one seemed to notice the side of truth in his chuckle.   
Whatever. 

Changbin left the lobby after that but stayed on stream for a little more to talk to his fans. He would make it into a separate video, a sort of Q&A. Not a long one though, he was already exhausted. 

BeeParadize :   
"Hey SpearB! Good to see you again man, I hope you feel fine?"

"BeeParadize, thank you for watching the stream today. I feel okay. Last month was very hard but I think things are going to look up soon"  
He answered softly, setting his screen on his avatar. A weird looking bunny. All pink with googly eyes and piercings. A gothic and pink bunny. 

SpearHandsHolder :  
"When are we getting more of your hands ? I'm craving the sight of them."

"Well"  
He laughed. He didn't know if his laugh was genuine but he always felt some kind of way about his fans having a fetish for his hands.   
"I was planning on posting a small video later with my new butterfly knife."

Swarmed by heart emojis.   
At least he had his hands.   
He was bad at everything but his hands seemed to attract people.   
Sunshine also said they looked nice.   
CB97 once liked one of his knife tricks videos, so maybe he thought so too?

Probably not. 

He answered more questions. Some very invasive sadly, but it was usually how it was going.   
He did these Q&A's rarely, for he didn't even think he was that interesting to begin with.   
His followers didn't get much out of him.   
Not even his real name. 

All they knew was the basics. 

Age. A slight description of his features. That he was Asian and that he kept on disappearing from the internet and no one could get in touch with him. 

The only one who would maybe get him to answer a DM or a text was Sunshine.   
They've known each other for years.   
They saw one another a bunch of times and collaborated on a live stream a while back. 

Sunshine was probably his only true friend. But then again, they lived far away from each other. Sunshine living in Vermont while he lived in Louisiana.   
Meaning they saw each other when one could travel.   
Meaning, never nowadays. 

Changbin finished his stream and sighed deeply, his head hitting the back of his chair. He rubbed his eyes, and reached under the desk grabbing what he was looking for, a beer bottle. 

He used the side of his desk to open it and chugged it down.   
Looking at his ceiling like he never counted how many cracks it had. 

If it fell on him right now, he wouldn't mind. 

He heard a meow coming from the ground and saw Mr.Pumpkin, small Mr.Pumpkin rubbing its face on Changbin's ankle.   
As if he was trying to keep him grounded. 

"Hey Kinnie boy."  
Said Changbin, extending a hand to his cat to pet him. He gulped more of the alcohol and his cat took place on his lap. Purring as if to heal Changbin's broken heart.   
"I love you too buddy"

He finished his drink and stayed unmoving on his chair for a good hour. Before finally taking his phone in hands and his butterfly knife. 

He said he would post, right?

And so he did.   
Flipped the knife in a crazy fashion.   
He was good.   
Very good.   
His hands still held the stigmas of numerous failed attempts.   
Scars all over his palms and knuckles. 

After training for so long he could proudly say that the cuts were his trophies. At least the one from knife flipping. He wasn't so proud of the ones on his wrists. But who would be proud of those? 

He looked at the new knife.   
All black with a pink blade a carved rose on the bite handle. It was a pretty knife, a gift he received through his P.O box.   
He twirled it around to test the weight of it and smiled softly before heading to his window and starting a quick video for Instagram. 

He went over a new routine he had the hang of. It didn't stop him from making it fall once. So he went over it again, and the video this time was perfect.   
He posted it with a simple caption.   
~For you all hand fetishists~   
The numbers rose immediately. 

The weird thing with him was that he had a lot of followers. People from the very start of his channel, people from the Stray House. But the amount of hate he got was just as big as the numbers of people who liked his content.   
And his brain being broken, all he saw were the bad parts.   
No matter how good he felt. All he saw was the negative.   
But he kept on working on his content when he could at least get out of his bed.   
When Mr.Pumpkin forced him awake. 

He was grateful for his cat.   
So grateful to have him.   
If it weren't for this little fluff ball, he would have committed suicide already. A long time ago. 

But the orange tabby always seemed to bring him back to earth. Always looking after him, meowing at him when he started spiraling.   
But a cat could do so much.   
And pumpkin was never enough against his need for alcohol deep inside his stomach. 

There was so much wrong with him. 

He was depressed.   
An alcoholic.   
And couldn't leave his stupid house or show his face.   
Thus, he ran out of his meds last week.

He could ask his neighbor to fetch the prescription for him but he hated the idea of asking again for their help. He couldn't keep this up. And seeing them was turning him into an anxious mess.   
They probably judged him so hard.   
They didn't even know each other that well. They never really talked.   
Only when Changbin asked for their help. 

"Fuck…"  
He sighed as he slammed his head against his desk when he went back to it. 

He didn't know if it was out of desperation. But he opened discord again and looked in the list of contacts.   
He found the name he was looking for and left the pointer on it for a minute before clicking it. 

\---

SpearB :  
~Hey Chan. Hm, I'm sorry for being so out of it lately. I just… my depression is acting up. So bad. You know how it is.~

CB97:   
~Bro it's fine. We know it's hard for you lately. Are you getting help or somethin'?~ 

SpearB :   
~Ran outta meds a week ago or so and yeah. I didn't feel good for a month and I feel like my head's under water again.~

CB97 :  
~Go get your meds! Don't play with your fucking health.~

SpearB :  
~I can't go out. You know that already~ 

CB97 :  
~You're not really trying, man. Like we could help you. But you push us away all the time.~

SpearB :  
~I just don't want you to be burdened. I don't want to be a burden that you have to carry.~ 

CB97 :   
~We're friends Bin.~ 

SpearB :   
~Hm. Listen. I just wanted to thank you for the knife you sent. It's a pretty one."

CB97:   
~Oh! My pleasure. I knew you'd love it ;)~ 

\---

Changbin smiled softly. His heartbeat grew slightly faster.   
He was not in love with Chan, also known as CB97, but he was in love with the idea of being worthy of friendship somehow. 

He sighed and clicked on the power button of his monitor and ended up in complete darkness.   
He kept his eyes trained on the screen, he almost couldn't see it, and opened another bottle that he drank in the dark.   
Silence enveloped him, only broken by the sound of swallowing. 

He was such a fuck up.   
He was sick of it all. 

The moment he went to bed, he was more than buzzed. Tripping over his own feet, head spinning, and tired.   
When he finally went under his covers, he grabbed his pillow, tight. 

If he cried.   
Nobody had to know. 

\---

Waking up the next day felt like a punch to his stomach.   
The headache and nausea hitting him at the same time.   
He whined pathetically, burying his face in the bed. He didn't know why he woke up at first.   
But then he heard his phone ringing. 

This day was already the worst in a while. 

Only one person called him.   
His landlord.   
Meaning he was late in paying the rent.  
He decided against answering for now, his thoughts were too jumbled anyway. 

He didn't feel well.  
It was always like that.   
Losing all feelings, drinking the numbness away and hating on himself the next day.   
He just wanted to feel what happiness felt like.   
He would love to know what euphoria tasted like.   
But all he could smell was remorse and a strong scent of alcohol drenching his shirt. 

He stared at the ceiling, hoping his head would stop spinning.   
To no avail. 

He got up on wobbly legs and made his way to the bathroom as fast as the fog in his brain allowed him to before emptying his stomach in the shower. 

"Fuck…"  
He groaned, on his hands and knees, his stomach in knots and mostly empty now. 

He may have thrown up two more times before the tears he was holding spilled out.   
Changbin kept his back against the wall, the palm of his hands pressing his eyes. Ugly sobs tearing his throat open. 

He shouldn't have drunk the previous night. 

He shouldn't have joined the game lobby yesterday. 

He shouldn't have woken up. 

He shouldn't have, shouldn't have, shouldn't have. 

He was losing it more and more. 

The sound of his phone ringing in his bedroom made his headache worse. He supported his weight on the wall, got up, avoiding looking at his reflection, and answered the phone. 

His landlord indeed.   
He was late.   
As usual. 

"I'll send the money asap."   
Said Changbin in a grittier tone than he was used to. 

"I swear to god Seo. If you continue to pull this shit every month I might evict you from my property! Pay on fucking time!"   
Screamed the lady. 

He sighed and hung up after more small talk, more threats.   
He stayed there, his phone almost dropping from his hand.   
His stomach was so painful. He was hungry. But the alcohol was still waiting to make him throw up some more. 

Mr.Pumpkin meowed from the ground, rubbing his little face against Changbin's pants.   
He looked at his cat and sat down with a sigh, head dropped.   
He was exhausted. 

Pumpkin cried for attention, headbutting Changbin and purring as if to heal his pain. 

He gave in, massaging his cat's ears in a loving manner. He kissed the orange fluff ball on its nose, and rose to his feet, the cat in his arms.   
He gave him some food and went to clean his mess in the bathroom. 

He took a shower, his head in a perpetual fog.   
He threw his clothes in the laundry machine. Grabbed something "fresh" to put on, and looked at his reflection. 

He lost a lot of weight.   
Looking more like a zombie than a human.   
Pale skin, sunken cheeks, dark circles and chapped lips.   
He took a hoodie, wearing it, as if it would make him look "less starved". 

He grabbed his wallet, burying it in his pocket and took his keys and prescription.   
He had to. 

With his hood on, he stood at the door.   
Hand stretched over the handle.   
Shaking like a leaf in the fall wind.   
He swallowed hard.   
His digits sliding on the cold metal. 

He pushed the door open. Took the elevator and went outside.   
His heart pounding and his lungs on fire.  
The sun, shining and judging him from up there, taunting him.   
He looked down to the concrete. 

What was the season?   
What was the month?  
The day? 

He didn't know.   
All he knew was that his feet made him walk to the pharmacy.   
He stood in line, waiting for his turn.   
He lost himself in his thoughts, bad thoughts. 

Dark thoughts. 

Till the worker called out for him.   
He shook his head as if to clear his mind, and gave the prescription he was clutching in his shaky hand. 

The man at the counter didn't say anything.   
Changbin knew he was judging him. He couldn't even cross eyes with the guy facing him. 

Said person went to fetch the medication and came back with a paper bag filled with pill bottles. 

"This prescription was due for last week. Be careful"   
Said the stranger with a soft voice.   
"Don't, just, stop taking them."   
He added softly to Changbin who grabbed the bag.   
"It's going to get better, alright?"  
He said, voice soft. Almost reassuring. 

"Been waiting my whole life for the sky to look blue again. The only blue I know is dull."  
Whispered Changbin before leaving. 

The man looked at him leave, stared at his back, lips tight, a bad feeling festering in his mind. He, nonetheless, greeted the next customer with a smile.   
Changbin would never know about the man who got worried for him, without even knowing him in the first place. 

He walked again.   
All the way to the grocery store.   
And picked some food. Things that won't spoil with time.   
Canned goods.   
Bread.   
Food for his cat. 

A bottle of vodka.   
A bottle of whiskey too. 

He sighed softly once he was out again, his backpack heavy and full on his shoulders.   
He made his way back to the flat he would confine himself in. 

\---

He disappeared again.   
Longer. 

Not one month, not two. 

He went missing for five months.   
Zero update on social media.   
No video updates or live streams. 

No nothing. 

He was mentioned by his fans on a bunch of posts on Twitter.   
Fanarts, knife flips videos, cat videos. 

He looked at each mention.   
Didn't retweet or like any. 

He saw Sunshine's update.   
Concerned posts. 

Some fans were harassing the Stray house to get some updates about him. 

The answers were always the same. 

"I really can't tell you anything because I don't know where he is. It's not because we play together that I have his personal infos"  
Said CB97 during a live stream. 

Sunshine did reach out to him.   
Changbin never looked at the texts he got. 

He wasn't sober most of the time.   
Mixing liquors and his meds together.   
Fucking up his brain even more. 

He started a livestream after five months of dead silence.   
He was drunk, probably in a manic episode by the looks of it. 

Maybe his meds weren't the right ones. 

He didn't care anyway.   
Jot when people started joining.   
Asking him how he felt.   
Caring. 

"I'm good guys! I had to leave again I'm sorry!"  
He said in a laugh as he started some random game.   
Fucking up every move.   
He was jittery, his mind jumping from subject to subject.   
He was way too drunk. 

It amused some of his viewers.   
Others grew even more worried. 

"I think my therapist fucked up my diagnosis. It's fine tho! I feel great"   
He said. 

And his fans started to worry more. 

It was how it all started. 

Some "fans" started making videos and edits.   
Gathering some of the things he said about his mental health.   
All his "dark humor jokes" were gathered and analyzed. 

He got DMs after DMs from worried people from all over the map. 

His life was slipping through his fingers like his blades did. 

Except he couldn't grab his life back. 

\---

Another lobby started with the Stray House.   
It was late.   
Changbin was awfully quiet.   
Till he wasn't. 

"Fuck"  
He heard CB97 say in a panicked voice. 

"What?"   
Asked Leeknow. 

"SpearB please don't panic I'm gonna fix this"  
Said CB97 in urgency. 

Changbin didn't know what was happening.   
But once he got on twitter he saw it trending.   
His last and first name.   
And some other shit with it. 

His infos got leaked.   
CB97's, Chan's computer got hacked during the stream.   
Some screenshots posted on the internet by anonymous accounts gaining views. 

Screenshots about his sexuality, and more personal things. 

His whole fucking life that he tried so hard to keep hidden, was revealed to the world. 

He started hyperventilating, tears running down his face as panic made it hard to breathe.   
His stream got flooded with comments from people.   
Judging him.   
Cursing him.   
Hating on him. 

He abruptly cut everything before screaming in the dead of night. Waking Pumpkin up.   
Sobbing uncontrollably as he slid from his chair to the ground and curled up. 

His phone kept buzzing with new messages and discord notifications. 

He was mortified.   
He was scared.   
He wanted to disappear forever. 

\---

Nothing went under control. 

Sunshine tried to get people to calm down, tried to report everything he saw about Changbin.   
But it had no point.   
The whole thing burned faster than gunpowder. 

But he was able to understand how everything happened.   
And what he discovered made him shiver. 

It wasn't an accident.   
CB97 did it all by himself. 

He had to tell Changbin.   
He had to warn his friend.   
But he wasn't answering. 

He called over a hundred times.   
But got no answers.   
And he was growing even more worried than he thought he would. 

It was the next day, when someone knocked on his door. 

It was late.   
Around 10 PM.   
And here, standing on his porch was a tired and emaciated looking Changbin. 

"Felix I… I need you to do something for me I…"  
He looked down to his feet. 

A cat carrier. 

"I can't take care of Mr.Pumpkin anymore. And, you're the only person I trust."  
He said with a tremor to his voice. 

"Changbin, I can't take care of your cat. It's your pet."

"Please! Please."  
He begged, taking the cat carrier in his arms like it was the most fragile thing in the world.   
"I promise I will come back for him but please. Just… for a week. Maybe two… just look after him."

Felix swallowed hard.   
It was idle of him to believe the promise Changbin made.   
He knew he was a fool. But he took the carrier from a distressed Changbin. 

He saw the tears streaks.   
Heard the cat cry for Changbin when he got back to his car after running.   
He heard the cat cry louder when the engine started. 

Both, not even deemed a real goodbye.   
As if the words in themselves would make everything crash and burn. 

\--- 

New livestream. 

-Face Reveal and Surprises-

The camera pointed at an empty chair.   
The number of viewers rose more and more as time was passing.   
Changbin smiled softly, he was out of frame. He waved at the camera. 

"Hi guys. I just think it's time for me to show y'all what I look like."   
He said softly. 

"You've been pestering me about it for literal years now" 

Fizzy :   
~Where is your cat ?~ 

"Pumpkin is with a friend."   
He answered before walking towards the camera. His face, still out of frame.   
He waved against. Flipping his knife in his hand. 

He finally sat down.   
Showing his features for the first time.   
Being judged by thousands of strangers on the internet.   
His stomach was in knots.   
He was anxious.   
Nervous.   
But a smile stretched his lips. 

No one could smell the alcohol.   
Though they could all see the state of his room. 

Blinds shut, empty bottles littering the floor, the sheets on the ground too. 

Some comments were nice about his appearance.   
Others were worried sick.   
Pointing out things in his room that he knew would get him flagged on the platform. 

He didn't care. 

"So yeah… here I am in the flesh. You already all know my name. Thanks to a… slip up"  
He said in a whisper. 

"My name is Seo Changbin."  
He started. 

"I'm gay and diagnosed with depression."  
He sighed. 

"I'm in my twenties. I have a cat. I struggle with a lot of things even if I have this platform for income. My life could be a dream to some"  
He said, looking at the camera with a smile. 

"But it's not glitters and rainbows. I do have a little surprise for all of you"   
He said in a happier tone. 

"Hopefully even the haters will love it"

He got up and fetched something in the background. 

"As you all know I collect knives right? I have my favorites with me and I thought about showing you a little tutorial once we reach a million viewers. And we're very close!"

Changbin looked at all the knives. 

"Let me also tell you a little story."  
He started.

"A while back. A guy asked me what I was doing over Christmas. Said I wouldn't be here anymore. He asked me why and if I was going to my parents. Which is not the truth. But you know, the rational part of the brain doesn't want to understand sometimes that some people don't want to stay." 

He raised his black knife in the camera, showing it off. 

"So yeah. I didn't say anything anymore. It was before all the infos got out about me you know. But then! After all this ordeal, I looked into it. And I discovered something interesting."

He sighed, hitting his temple with the safe handle of the knife. 

"I discovered how bitter betrayal tastes like. Like a very very sour lemon. Rancid even. So yeah."

He looked at the numbers again and smiled. 

"Seems like y'all will get the surprise I was talking about! Don't worry. You won't be disappointed" 

More than a million viewers. 

"I'd like to show you this knife. It's my favorite though I really despise the person who sent it to me"

A pink and black knife with a carved rose came into view. 

"Pretty sure you recognize it, hm? I know you are watching." 

He smiled. 

"It's very sharp" 

He said.   
Not looking at the comments asking to cut the stream.   
They knew something was very wrong.   
Some fans interrupted Sunshine's livestream to get him to reach out to Changbin.   
But Felix was already watching it. Frozen on his seat. 

PumpkinSimp :   
~CUT THE STREAM. REPORT THE STREAM.~ 

SpearHandsHolder:   
~Can someone send the police or something?!~ 

"I'd like to thank you all for supporting me. But right now. I feel like the surprise can't wait anymore. And I can't either"   
He smiled creepily to the camera, raising the knife to his throat. 

"I didn't know jealousy could make people betray you. But I hope the price of my life was high enough. I hope my death will weight you down, CB97"  
The smile never left his lips, not even when he slit his throat open, gurgling on his blood. 

The stream cut. 

He broke records. 

He made a difference and scarred a million of people. 

The news and twitter trend worldwide would read : "Famous Streamer SpearB or Seo Changbin, broadcasts his own suicide to millions of people." 

His impact was strong.

But too weak to change a world. 

His life had always been grey.   
The days had always been grey.   
At least, he thought they always had been, but for his last day on Earth, even if the sun was hidden by his blinds, the frostbite scarring his heart had melted in a pool of blood.   
Sticky and warm.


End file.
